Foo

Langkawi Memoirs

Just now I was out in the courtyard of this immense complex that is the Bank Negara vacation home in Langkawi, gazing at the stars, as the overwhelming realization of how small we humans really are. And yet, for all our significance, our personal greviences seem vastly more important than our role here, on this earth.

It’s seemingly tranquil places like this which invoke such thought, forces us to think, to wonder and let the soul wander. It is then I came to a realization which I suppose I’ve always known.

Human beings, regardless of race, creed, or upbringing strive for acknowledgement. Our brains might not know this, but our heart knows, the heart always knows. It is the affirmation of our existence be it from a close friend, a relative, a sibling or that special someone which fills us with joy and warmth that makes trudging thru this existence a little more bearable.

But such is the fate of people like myself, who are constantly searching for affirmation and yet never seem to achieve it. But we get on with life, or atleast we try. In my case I remind myself that I am nothing more than a spec in this cosmic orgy that is our universe.

Affirmation feeds the soul, it nurtures it and allows it to forget it’s own sorrows, even if only for a brief moment. And atleast for that moment, solace is found.

Tsan posed this question on her blog; asking, “You can't change the past nor can you determine the future. So why do we try to think so hard and so much?”

It is the regrets of the past, of old scars and wounds which we fear to re-dress and the uncertainty of what is to come, which compels us to dwell on such thoughts. Worst of all, it is these very thoughts which may cause heightened anxiety. And unless there is someone to pull you out of that dark chasm, unless there is atleast a helping hand which responds to your cries of help, the anxiety will continue to eat till the person’s very will to live is diminished.

The final blow however, is when your cries aren’t heeded by those who you thought would be there to help. It is then that a cataclysmic spiral of despair, depression and general emo-ness takes control. There is no logical thought, there is no clear mindedness, there’s just despair.

It is times like these however that people just need to shove these insecurities aside, stomach their own problems and help instead of wallowing in self pity. Who knows, perhaps in aiding other people may prove to be the remedy to the original malady.

Spite, Refusal, Denial

Good evening, Cyberspace. Allow me first to apologize for this interruption. I do, like many of you, appreciate the comforts of every day routine- the security of the familiar, the tranquility of repetition. I enjoy them as much as any bloke. But in the spirit of commemoration, a celebration of a nice holiday, I thought we could mark this poor sod that is sadly no longer remembered, by taking some time out of our daily lives to sit down and have a little chat. There are of course those who do not want to speak. I suspect even now, orders are being shouted into telephones, and men armed with frozen tuna will soon be on their way. Why? Probably because it's the thought police chasing me for plagiarising V's speech, or the emo police arresting me for being emo.
But the truth is, there is something terribly wrong with this individual, isn't there? Obscurity and peculiarity, intolerance and odd or perhaps low self-esteem? Where once he had the freedom to object, to think and speak as he saw fit, he now has censors and systems of surveillance coercing his conformity and soliciting his submission.
How did this happen? Who's to blame? Well certainly there are those more responsible than others, and they will be held accountable, but again truth be told, if you're looking for the guilty, you need only look into a mirror. I know why you did it. I know you were afraid. Who wouldn't be? There are a myriad of problems which conspired to corrupt your reason and rob you of your common sense. Fear got the best of you, and in your panic you turned to your inner demons. He promised you order, he promised you peace, and all he demanded in return was your silent, obedient consent. Today I sought to end that silence. Today I battled my inner demons, to remind myself of what I had forgotten. His hope was to remind the world that individuality, and self worth are more than words, they are perspectives. So if you've seen nothing, if your judgement is clouded or remain unknown to you then I would suggest you allow the the inner demons to continue to brood, unmarked. But if you see what I see, if you feel as I feel, and if you would seek as I seek, then I ask you to search deep and hard for what you truly want, not something that has been forced onto you, or decided for you by you betters, but what you want.

Tagged and Gagged by smelly woman (Tsan)

1. Where were you 1 hour ago?
Making Pancakes, then bathing dog

2. Who will be your next kiss?
Not anytime soon

3. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?
Pink? nope

4. Are you wearing socks right now?
No

5. When was the last time you went out of town?
A long long time ago

6. Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days?
No time to go to da movies… finals and walrus mauling

7. What was the last thing you had to drink?
Ribena, last hard drink? Balalaika Vodka, nasty stuff

8. What are you wearing right now?
Sri KL PE shirt and bermuda's

9. Have you been in a car wash?
Yea…

10. Last food you ate?
Curry Maggi Mee

11. Where were you last week on Saturday?
At home, studying

12. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
Nope

13. When is the last time you ran?
This morning, exercise

15. What is your favorite class?
Have no real permenant classes

16. Your dream vacation spot?
Dunno leh… no specific place.. I guess it depends on the company

18. How old are your parents?
Old enough to be my grandparents

19. Do you like anyone?
Aye

20. Do you miss anyone?
Occasionally

21. Last play you saw?
That would be the last play I participated in 4 years ago

22. What are your plans for tomorrow?
Not go insane

23. Who is the last person you commented on myspace?
Fah! MySpace

24. Ever go to camp?
After 8 years of being a scout, you'd think that I've been to a few.

25. Were you an honor roll student in school?
To the contrary, was a rubbish prefect

26. What do you want to know about the future?
A little certaincy, other than that, lemme have it!

27. Are you hungry?
I'm always hungry

28. Where is your best friend located?
Subang Mostly

29. Do you have a tan?
I'm naturally tan.

30. How old do you want to be when you have kids?
Ideally? As soon as financially possible

31. Do you collect anything?
My room is a collection of old relics and misc rubbish

32. Last time you got stopped by a cop?
Never!!!

33. Have you ever drank your soda from a straw?
Do Pigs smelly like blueberry pie? DOH!

34. How do you like your drinks?
Cold

35. Do you like hot sauce?
Depends on the food

36. Last time you took a shower?
This morning

37. Who do you have a crush on?
this shall remain unsaid

38. What is your mood?
bored, grouchy, smelly-ish

39. Are you someones best friend?
DOH!

40. What's the last book you read?
Uh...... Philosophy for Dummies

Seta tags Alynna!